I'm on page 15 and so far so goooood. I'm wondering about her change in attitude... Is it drugs? Some sort of mind control? Or something else?
BTW that Tom dude.... I'd really like to snap his neck and take his place. Gonna stop now and let the Thai wench (my GF) read a bit and see if it gives her ideas. Please let it give her some ideas....
I've finally gotten through the entire chapter. There were a number of typos and other errors, I'd seriously suggest you get a good editor to check your copy before posting it. It's very difficult for a writer to catch his own mistakes, especially if it involves big blocks of text
The alarm blaring next to the bed—a loud 'beep-buzzing' which filled the room—woke Jen
She looked at the time as she turned off the annoying beep-buzzing, the green lettering reading 7:16 A.M.
In the first 2 instances beep-buzzing is strange. Either the alarm is beeping or is buzzing annoyingly. You've mixed up two different images and confused the reader.
With him she made love, while her role as a porn actress would be nothing but fucking, a physical act. It was nothing as beautiful and caring as what occurred between her and Dan..
Punctuation mistake. Spell/Grammar check in MSWord should have caught that
Brushing her hair, she mentally shook her head in disbelief recalling how she had agreed to have a space-aged tattoo placed on her which could vibrate under her skin like a cell phone.
Needs a comma between her and which
Another part of felt a thrill to show off her body, as she enjoyed the attention. It was one of the reasons she stripped, so the fact she would be having to dress sexy was no different than if she were out working.
I would change would be having to and replace with the stronger would have to if only for the fact that using the passive voice makes this sentence sound wishy washy.
And Doc, bottom line from my professional view, I like the story, I feel it and you have some potential, I don't think you should give up your day job–Isaac Asimov didn't give up teaching rocket science and biochemistry to become a science fiction writer and I know that given a good editor and guidance you can be a very good writer.
So I had a long post which exceeded the limits of the comment section, LOL, so figured I would send you an e-mail instead. The bottom line is I disagree with most of the comments, and I'll explain why in the e-mail.
For example, the Buzzing-Beeping statement was a purposeful, conscientious usage of an oxymoron, an onomatopoeia to show two clashing sounds. That it stuck in your mind means it actually served its purpose :)
Most of your suggestions I believe are up to interpretation, as are my own, but the bottom line is I am not claiming to be a literary genius to be compared to any great writer, I am just a guy who enjoys erotic stories and shares his own in an attempt to give back to the community. I do not expect my stories to be on the bestsellers list, and that they are FREELY published means I am not going to spend in inordinate amount of money for an editor...
I wish there was LIKE and scoring after each page!!! I'm still in the very beginning and loving it!!! :D I'll really enjoy reading that long story and hopefully before the end another one will be up on Literotica! :D It was worth the waiting, DocCIS!!!
I'm hoping to put some time into Skyrim this weekend, then Annie. It will be a good month before I'll probably be able to devote much time into Diamond and her adventures once again...
Whoot!!!
ReplyDeleteGetting down to some reading!!!
I'm on page 15 and so far so goooood. I'm wondering about her change in attitude... Is it drugs? Some sort of mind control? Or something else?
ReplyDeleteBTW that Tom dude.... I'd really like to snap his neck and take his place. Gonna stop now and let the Thai wench (my GF) read a bit and see if it gives her ideas. Please let it give her some ideas....
Doc,
ReplyDeleteI've finally gotten through the entire chapter. There were a number of typos and other errors, I'd seriously suggest you get a good editor to check your copy before posting it. It's very difficult for a writer to catch his own mistakes, especially if it involves big blocks of text
Saying there are typos is pretty nebulous unless you point them out...can't make it better without examples.
DeleteDoc,
ReplyDeleteHere's what I caught just on page 1
The alarm blaring next to the bed—a loud 'beep-buzzing' which filled the room—woke Jen
She looked at the time as she turned off the annoying beep-buzzing, the green lettering reading 7:16 A.M.
In the first 2 instances beep-buzzing is strange. Either the alarm is beeping or is buzzing annoyingly. You've mixed up two different images and confused the reader.
With him she made love, while her role as a porn actress would be nothing but fucking, a physical act. It was nothing as beautiful and caring as what occurred between her and Dan..
Punctuation mistake. Spell/Grammar check in MSWord should have caught that
Brushing her hair, she mentally shook her head in disbelief recalling how she had agreed to have a space-aged tattoo placed on her which could vibrate under her skin like a cell phone.
Needs a comma between her and which
Another part of felt a thrill to show off her body, as she enjoyed the attention. It was one of the reasons she stripped, so the fact she would be having to dress sexy was no different than if she were out working.
I would change would be having to and replace with the stronger would have to if only for the fact that using the passive voice makes this sentence sound wishy washy.
And Doc, bottom line from my professional view, I like the story, I feel it and you have some potential, I don't think you should give up your day job–Isaac Asimov didn't give up teaching rocket science and biochemistry to become a science fiction writer and I know that given a good editor and guidance you can be a very good writer.
So I had a long post which exceeded the limits of the comment section, LOL, so figured I would send you an e-mail instead. The bottom line is I disagree with most of the comments, and I'll explain why in the e-mail.
DeleteFor example, the Buzzing-Beeping statement was a purposeful, conscientious usage of an oxymoron, an onomatopoeia to show two clashing sounds. That it stuck in your mind means it actually served its purpose :)
Most of your suggestions I believe are up to interpretation, as are my own, but the bottom line is I am not claiming to be a literary genius to be compared to any great writer, I am just a guy who enjoys erotic stories and shares his own in an attempt to give back to the community. I do not expect my stories to be on the bestsellers list, and that they are FREELY published means I am not going to spend in inordinate amount of money for an editor...
There are quite a few people on Literotica who are offering their time and expertise for free-I hope you will take advantage of their services.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was LIKE and scoring after each page!!! I'm still in the very beginning and loving it!!! :D I'll really enjoy reading that long story and hopefully before the end another one will be up on Literotica! :D
ReplyDeleteIt was worth the waiting, DocCIS!!!
Much appreciated!
DeleteI'm hoping to put some time into Skyrim this weekend, then Annie. It will be a good month before I'll probably be able to devote much time into Diamond and her adventures once again...